Ok, So I wonder what is to be expected of me in life….
I’m a Mom, Wife, Aunt, Daughter, Cousin, Sister and Friend…but where does that leave time for me to me?
On the Mom side…I get frustrated with little thing currently…makes me question myself a lot about being a Mom. I love my kids and would never let anything bad happen to them…but I feel smothered by them sometimes.
On the Wife side…My only time I get to play this role is when he gets home from work (6:00 or 8:00 PM) and til we go to bed…usually around 9:00 PM. And of course his 1 day off a week.
The Aunt side….Is pretty easy! I get to cheer them on when they are playing an event and I am there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on.
The Daughter side…Well this role I play is complicated. I haven’t spoke to my biological father since November of 2005 and now I haven’t spoken to my biological mother since November of 2010. Maybe there is a pattern with November? This role as a Daughter became conflicted with the role of Mom. Grandparents claiming the name but not delivering on much needed time with the Grandchildren. For this… I stuck up for my defenseless children and pleaded for the Grandparents to spend time with them and it back fired…now I have another name…Bitch.
My role as a Cousin…Well through the years I have became less and less as a cousin because those who considered me so are basically not in my life. Again, this role conflicted with another one…Daughter. I tried to share my concern as a Daughter trying to protect her Parents and I again gained another name…Jealous.
The Sister role…Well this one has been painful. I have 1 Brother and 1 Sister. My Brother passed away when he was 4 years old…I was in 4th grade. A very empty piece of my heart that is unhealed. And to my Sister, well we haven’t always gotten along. With in the last year things have been better but things have become complicated. Sister is speaking to Parents and there is no role in this for me. But I gave myself a name this time….Cautious. I am learning to not trust many people.
And the final name…Friend. I try to be a good and loyal friend but like every other role in my life this too can become complicated. I am too uptight at times and this role conflicts with my Mother role. I don’t always approve of the kids that my Friends have which in turn makes it difficult for me to maintain a friendship that is honest. So along with Friend I give myself the name….Hidden.
I could of course write more names but as I do this I am finding that less and less of me is showing. I feel like every time I take one step forward someone in these roles in life pull me back.
As a Mother I want to love unconditionally and not stress about the little things.
As a Wife I want to have a romantic evening with just my Husband so I can share my heart.
As a Daughter, I want things to be understood clearly and not be taken offense too. My heart is there…but not to be stomped on because I don’t like how you treat my Kids.
As a Cousin, I will allow those who I feel genuinely care about me be in my life…those who don’t…I really have no room for.
As a Sister, I will morn the death of my Brother forever…that part of me is forever injured. And to my Sister, I will try to open up but it is hard because I don’t feel I can be honest with you anymore…I have no clue what is being said to the Parents.
As a Friend, This is different for everyone in this role of my life…those that I have issues with I will probably keep my distance still…It’s just easier. Those who I am still getting to know…I am still very guarded, I don’t like exposing myself easily.
And what do I say to myself? All these roles sometimes consumes me. And I don’t feel I am honest with myself anymore. I really don’t know what I expect of myself…but then again who really does?